Dreedle was out, and General Peckem was in, and General Peckem had hardly moved inside General Dreedle’soffice to replace him when his splendid military victory began falling to pieces around him.

　　“General Scheisskopf?” he inquired unsuspectingly of the sergeant¹ in his new office who brought him word ofthe order that had come in that morning. “You mean Colonel Scheisskopf, don’t you?”

　　“No, sir, General Scheisskopf He was promoted to general this morning, sir.”

　　“Well, that’s certainly curious! Scheisskopf? A general? What grade?”

　　“Lieutenant² general, sir, and—““Lieutenant general!”

　　“Yes, sir, and he wants you to issue no orders to anyone in your command without first clearing them throughhim.”

　　“Well, I’ll be damned,” mused³ General Peckem with astonishment⁴, swearing aloud for perhaps the first time inhis life. “Cargill, did you hear that? Scheisskopf was promoted way up to lieutenant general. I’ll bet thatpromotion was intended for me and they gave it to him by mistake.”

　　Colonel Cargill had been rubbing his sturdy chin reflectively. “Why is he giving orders to us?”

　　General Peckem’s sleek⁵, scrubbed, distinguished⁶ face tightened⁷. “Yes, Sergeant,” he said slowly with anuncomprehending frown. “Why is he issuing orders to us if he’s still in Special Services and we’re in combatoperations?”

　　“That’s another change that was made this morning, sir. All combat operations are now under the jurisdiction⁸ ofSpecial Services. General Scheisskopf is our new commanding officer.”

　　General Peckem let out a sharp cry. “Oh, my God!” he wailed⁹, and all his practical composure went up inhysteria. “Scheisskopf in charge? Scheisskopf?” He pressed his fists down on his eyes with horror. “Cargill, getme Wintergreen! Scheisskopf? Not Scheisskopf!”

　　All phones began ringing at once. A corporal ran in and saluted¹⁰.

　　“Sir, there’s a chaplain outside to see you with news of an injustice¹¹ in Colonel Cathcart’s squadron.”

　　“Send him away, send him away! We’ve got enough injustices¹² of our own. Where’s Wintergreen?”

　　“Sir, General Scheisskopf is on the phone. He wants to speak to you at once.”

　　“Tell him I haven’t arrived yet. Good Lord!” General Peckem screamed, as though struck by the enormity of thedisaster for the first time. “Scheisskopf? The man’s a moron¹³! I walked all over that blockhead, and now he’s mysuperior officer. Oh, my Lord! Cargill! Cargill, don’t desert me! Where’s Wintergreen?”

　　“Sir, I have an ex-Sergeant Wintergreen on your other telephone. He’s been trying to reach you all morning.”

　　“General, I can’t get Wintergreen,” Colonel Cargill shouted, “His line is busy.”

　　General Peckem was perspiring¹⁴ freely as he lunged for the other telephone.

　　“Wintergreen!”

　　“Peckem, you son of a bitch—““Wintergreen, have you heard what they’ve done?”

　　“—what have you done, you stupid bastard¹⁵?”

　　“They put Scheisskopf in charge of everything!”

　　Wintergreen was shrieking¹⁶ with rage and panic. “You and your goddam memorandums! They’ve gone andtransferred combat operations to Special Services!”

　　“Oh, no,” moaned General Peckem. “Is that what did it? My memoranda¹⁷? Is that what made them putScheisskopf in charge? Why didn’t they put me in charge?”

　　“Because you weren’t in Special Services any more. You transferred out and left him in charge. And do youknow what he wants? Do you know what the bastard wants us all to do?”

　　“Sir, I think you’d better talk to General Scheisskopf,” pleaded the sergeant nervously¹⁸. “He insists on speaking tosomeone.”

　　“Cargill, talk to Scheisskopf for me. I can’t do it. Find out what he wants.”

　　Colonel Cargill listened to General Scheisskopf for a moment and went white as a sheet. “Oh, my God!” he cried, as the phone fell from his fingers. “Do you know what he wants? He wants us to march. He wantseverybody to march!”

 37、沙伊斯科普夫将军
　　德里德尔将军调走了，佩克姆将军调进来了。但是，佩克姆将军刚一搬入德里德尔将军的办公室接替他，就发现自己的辉煌战果开始土崩瓦解。
　　“沙伊斯科普夫将军？”当他新办公室里的中士向他报告当天早晨刚刚收到的命令时，他很有把握地向中士反问道，“你是说沙伊斯科普夫上校，对吧？”
　　“不，长官，是沙伊斯科普夫将军。他今天早晨被提升为将军了，长官。”
　　“天哪，这可太奇怪了！沙伊斯科普夫？将军？什么级别？”
　　“中将，长官，而且——”
　　“中将！”
　　“是的，长官，他要求你未经他审批不得向你手下的任何人发布任何命令。”
　　“哼，真***。”佩克姆将军满怀惊讶地若有所思起来，一边大声骂着，这也许是他平生第一次大声骂人。“卡吉尔，你听到了吗？沙伊斯科普夫居然一下子被提升为中将。我敢打赌，这次提升本来是预备给我的，可他们搞错了，这才提升了他。”
　　卡吉尔上校一直在沉思默想地抚摸着他那刚毅的下巴。“他为什么向我们下命令呢？”
　　佩克姆将军绷紧了他那张光滑洁净、独具特色的面孔。“是啊！
　　中士，”他不理解地皱起眉头，慢吞吞地问道，“他仍然在特种任务兵团里，而我们是战斗部队，他为什么向我们发号施令呢？”
　　“这是今天早晨作出的另一项变动，长官。所有的战斗部队目前全部归特种任务兵团管辖。沙伊斯科普夫将军成了我们的新指挥官。”
　　佩克姆将军尖叫一声。“天哪，我的上帝！”他哀叹道。他多年练就的沉稳风度一下子变成了歇斯底里，“沙伊斯科普夫主管？沙伊斯科普夫？”他惊惶失措地双手握拳捂住眼睛。“卡吉尔，给我接温待格林！沙伊斯科普夫？不，不是沙伊斯科普夫！”
　　所有的电话铃一起响了起来。一个下士跑进来，敬了个礼说道：“长官，外面有个牧师要求见你。他要向你报告发生在卡思卡特上校的一个中队里的不公正事件。”
　　“叫他走，叫他走！我们这儿的不公正事件够多的了。温特格林在哪里？”
　　“长官，沙伊斯科普夫将军的电话。他要马上跟你讲话。”
　　“告诉他我还没来呢。老天爷啊！”佩克姆将军尖叫着。他似乎这才领悟到这场灾难性事件的严重后果。“沙伊斯科普夫？这家伙是个白痴！我以前支使得这个傻瓜团团转，现在他却成了我的上司。唉，我的天哪！卡吉尔！卡吉尔，别扔下我不管！温特格林在哪儿？”
　　“长官，我在这部电话机上接到前中士温特格林的一个电话。
　　他整个上午一直在给你挂电话。”
　　“将军，温特格林的电话打不通，”卡吉尔上校喊道，“他的电话占线。”
　　佩克姆将军满头大汗地扑向另一部电话机。
　　“温特格林！”
　　“佩克姆，你这个狗娘养的——”
　　“温特格林，你听说他们干的好事了吗？”
　　“——你干了什么好事，你这个笨杂种？”
　　“他们让沙伊斯科普夫主管一切！”
　　温特格林愤怒而惊慌地尖叫道：“你和你那些该死的呈文见鬼去吧！他们已经把战斗部队划归特种任务兵团管辖了！”
　　“噢，不，”佩克姆呻吟道，“是因为这个吗？是我的呈文吗？是因为这个他们才委派沙伊斯科普夫主管的吗？他们为什么不委派我主管呢？”
　　“因为你已经不在特种任务兵团了。你调出去了，正好留下他在那儿主管，而且，你知道他要干什么吗？你知道那个杂种要我们全体干什么吗？”
　　“长官，我想最好由你来和沙伊斯科普夫将军通话，”中士紧张不安地恳求道，“他坚持要有人来听他讲话。”
　　“卡吉尔，替我和沙伊斯科普夫通话。我不能接他的电话。看看他想干什么。”
　　卡吉尔听了一下沙伊斯科普夫将军的电话，脸色立刻变得像张白纸。“噢，我的上帝！”他叫了起来。电话筒从他手里滑落下去。
　　“你知道他要我们干什么吗？他要求我们操练。他要求所有人都要参加操练！”